Inventor Maloney Wants To Control Your Thoughts About Him
Another week, another legal threat by the thin skinned horse trainer and inventor of the "fifthgenerometer."
By Percival O'Hanlon, Correspondent, Daily True American
Lynchburg VA, November 1, 1898
It is with a fervent dedication to the truth that I present before you, dear readers of the Daily True American, an astonishing account of treacherous deceit and the seemingly unquenchable ambition of one Richard Maloney. Hailing from Lynchburg, Virginia, Mr. Maloney, once respected as a hobbyist horse trainer, is more recently renowned as the inventor of a most unusual contraption - the "fifthgenerometer."
Mr. Maloney’s horse training facility, although established in Lynchburg, did not enjoy much goodwill amongst its employees. Whispers among the locals and disgruntled murmurs of the staff spoke of an employer who was less than trustworthy. With frequent dismissals and constant shuffling of staff, Maloney sought a solution not in ameliorating his management ways, and the murmurs of suspicion about his intentions, but rather in a contraption of mind manipulation.
The "fifthgenerometer," a curious and unsightly apparatus, claims to be a device for harnessing one's thoughts and altering them as one might break a wild colt. Comprised of a metal cylinder placed atop one's head, it utilises batteries to produce an electrical current, which in turn captures the brainwave signals. These frequencies, most peculiar in nature, are then etched onto paper – much akin to the ledger paper favored by merchants of our day.
The purpose of this infernal device? To alter the opinions and impressions of its wearer. It is believed Mr. Maloney, in his dark ingenuity, sought to employ the "fifthgenerometer" to sway his staff’s sentiment in his favor. One must wonder, was it the allure of fantastical tales or the workings of a wicked mind that birthed such a device?
However, even the most sinister of devices has its limitations. When the "fifthgenerometer" failed to achieve the desired effect upon his staff, Maloney’s desperation took a more litigious turn.
With a heavy hand and unyielding disposition, he issued legal threats to ensure their silence. Any whisper, any hint of insinuation against him was met with the looming menace of legal warfare – often for a sum equivalent to a staggering ten years of wages.
His intimidation tactics aimed not just at preserving his reputation, but also at stifling any word of his misdeeds, ensuring that none would dare utter a syllable that might make Mr. Maloney the slightest bit uncomfortable.
Regrettably, the tale grows darker still. Young Abraham Lanchester and Miss Clara Fielding, both erstwhile employees of the Maloney stables, are but two among several subjects who met their untimely deaths – their hearts betraying them – whilst ensnared by this wretched machine. The very thought sends a chill down one’s spine: dying not at the hands of nature or fate, but at the caprice of an ambitious man's gadgetry.
It would seem Maloney’s misdeeds would be halted upon the public discovery of these tragedies. Yet, in a shocking turn of events, our very United States War Department procured the patent for the "fifthgenerometer" for a sum undisclosed. The contract, it is said, allowed Mr. Maloney the continued privilege of using this perilous device.
Yet the winds of fortune are fickle. As the grim realities of Maloney's experiments and the tragic fates of his employees emerged into public view, Mr. Maloney underwent a startling transformation. Donning a new mantle, he posed as an ardent opponent of the "fifthgenerometer." It is nigh impossible to fathom – the very architect of despair now claims to stand against the shadows he once cast.
Maloney's vehement arguments against the deployment of his device on unsuspecting and innocent souls have garnered much attention, both domestic and across the Atlantic. He has been summoned to share his cautionary tales in grand cities like London, Paris, and Berlin, refashioned as an expert on the dangers of untested and unproven inventions with human subjects.
During his sojourns overseas, Mr. Maloney oft boasted of intimate ties to our nation's War Department. The esteemed Parisian publication, Le Figaro, has ventured to state that Maloney wielded these connections with a certain menace towards those who cast aspersions on his sincerity or dared to query his sudden about-face concerning experimental contrivances. The audacity of such a display leaves one pondering his true designs.
Astoundingly, any recourse for justice on the part of the bereaved families of Abraham Lanchester, Clara Fielding, and others remains stifled by the National Inventor Injury Act of 1886. This act, passed by our esteemed Congress, shields inventors from any liabilities arising from the harm their inventions might bestow upon human subjects. A grievous wrong, many would argue, especially in light of such dire consequences.
Behind every ambitious man, it is often said, stands a steadfast woman. Mrs. Jessie Maloney, the ever-supportive wife, remains by her husband's side, though the tongues of many a townsfolk wag with speculation on her knowledge of, and possible involvement in, these dire affairs.
The question arises, where stands justice in these proceedings? Mr. Maloney's attorneys in Washington, Messrs. William Humphrey and Charles Atwood, renowned for their legal acumen, are hard at work ensuring their client's interests remain protected. Yet, as one ponders the morality of their cause, the age-old debate between legality and righteousness reignites.
When approached for a comment regarding the veracity of these allegations, Mr. Maloney not only declined but further issued a brazen threat to this humble author and the esteemed employer Daily True American.
He audaciously declared an intention to sue us in federal court for an amount equating to half of our great nation's gross domestic product. An astronomical figure, indeed! However, fear not, dear readers. Our in-house counsel, well-versed in matters of the law, assures us that such threats from Mr. Maloney are without any judicial merit or standing. One might reckon that, in his hubris, he seeks to silence all who might dare shine light upon his dubious endeavors.
It is the solemn duty of this correspondent, and of this illustrious publication, to keep the good citizens informed and vigilant. While the "fifthgenerometer" stands as a testimony to the arrogance of human ambition in matters of controlling other humans, it also serves as a chilling reminder of the depths to which ambition can plunge a man.
Let this tale be a stark reminder – as mankind reaches for the stars and dreams of innovations unthought-of, the very essence of our humanity must not be lost. For in the symmetry between progress and morality, the soul of our nation hangs in the balance.
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Love this one. Inventor Maloney takes no responsibility for how his harmful invention has been used. Wants the public to acknowledge his genious without criticism.
These are always fun, GC, even if the truth of the matter is not. Maloney's feelings got hurt and now someone will pay. Never trust someone who made living as a Beltway Bandit.