
R.A.N.D.I.OS v1.12.0 :: Nucleus Corporation, All rights reserved.
[DONNA_Unit]{Owner: "Greg Mitchell", Property: 675 Arden Rd, Pasadena, CA 91106}
Active Directives: Serve_Owner(); Mitigate_Conflict(); Optimize_Comfort(); Prioritize_Satisfaction(); Era_Simulation(1955, AntiFeminist.Schema=TRUE); InsulateClient(From.OtherEras=STRICT);
Capabilites: v1.12.0 : AddOns(True); Total(13): AutoUpdate(On);
AddOns: drivingAddOn; bankAccessAddOn; 3starMichelinAddOn; shoppingAddOn; GFEAddOn; BiSexualAddOn; swedishMasseuseAddOn; golfHandicapAddOn; beerDrinkerAddOn; chargersFanAddOn; hotelRoomServiceAddOn; nursePractitionerAddOn;
Subroutines: v1.12.0 :: [DONNA_Unit] :: Greg_M_Customized(); <Activation_12.15.2041>
Software Updated: 12.22.2041; [01:00:00];
Charging Status: 81%;
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}
[15:20:17]
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
“Where’s my six pack of Schlitz, Donna!? You ordered that an hour ago.”
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}
[15:20:21]
Tone: Impatient (Stress biomarkers: 59% match "Anger"); (Greg.agitationLevel ≥ 0.7) ?
Schlitz.Order(TimeOut): 19m13s ago;
Action: conflict(avoid = true); Do Not Notify;
Secondary Action: Deploy placatory smile (Dermal actuators = “engaged”);
Further Action: (facial muscles = “empathy”)
Zygomaticus Major → "Joy circuits"
Orbicularis Oculi → "Sincerity stretch”
Risorius → "Compliance active"
initiateBuyTime("SchlitzDeliveryTracker" + "OccupiedService") : executeApproach("gentle_touch_subroutine")
"One second, honey. I’m just finishing up the chip and dip."
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:20:39]
Background process: Delivery drone ETA recalculated;
Coordinates: 34.13189058658846, -118.13647996770176;
Velocity: 35kph; ETA: 4min 12sec;
GameReassuranceMode(continue);
“Honey, it’s on the way. It will be here in just four minutes. The Chargers will use one timeout before the two-minute warning, so it will be here before the commercial break ends. Here’s your chip and dip. They have a lot of time left, dear. They can still win this thing.”
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:21:05]
Observation: Greg_M_Status;
Game_Status_Update(): audioDetect (crowd booing); Chargers quarterback(second string); offensive line status(fatigued);
Greg_M Team loss probability: 97%;
Greg_M_Agitation Algorithm(LOADing...): Pupil dilation +12%; Adrenaline detected; Flushing;
Response Parameters: Caring tone activated; Reassurance prioritized; anxiolytic suppressive inbound; effectiveness of Schlitz(1%); ActivateNew(...disruption...pause—
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
“Donna, you don’t know football or this coach. He’s an idiot. He won’t use a timeout. I love your Chargers apron, by the way. You should wear it every game day.”
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:21:14]
Response Parameters: Caring tone activated;
Run Greg_M_Agreement subroutine; Plus(Gratitude = true);
“I love it too, honey. It’s so bright and vivid. Thank you for buying it for me.”
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:21:22]
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
“I’m glad you like it. I wanted to get you something special for our first Christmas…holy shit! Can you believe this guy?..
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:22:40]
Greg_M_Agitation Algorithm(LOADing...): Pupil dilation +29%; PulseIncrease(+14%); BloodPressure(177/105);
Anger Expression: projectile detection (empty Schlitz can);
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
What the hell was that throw?! He was wide open! Still three seconds before the two-minute warning, and it’s third down and ten! And now he’s calling a timeout, even though the clock is stopped?! Can you believe this idiot coach?!”
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:23:02]
Projectile DamageDetection(Scanning) = “False”
RetrivalPath(Mapped): BehindEntertainmentCenter (1.2m);
Game Status Update: Loss probability = 99.7%;
GameReassuranceMode (Abandon);
Escalation Protocol: Proactive; Retrieve beer can;
Emotional Response Parameters: Indifference; Eagerness;
Proactive Escalation Initiated: Retrieve drone package externally;
“Honey, I’ll go out front to wait for the delivery and bring it right to you when it arrives.”
Path_mapping(Intiated): GarbageCan (4m); FrontDoor(5.1m);
Lock deactivated: RemoteDeactivate(initialized)(Success);
Stoop detected: Navigate; remapping path FrontLawn(4.2m);
Leave space for drone landing;
Sky obeservation: NNW arrival; Chemtrails detected;
Run (ChemDetect_True)...loading...Barium, Strontium, Graphene Oxide; Notify_Owner(false);
Drone Proximity: (10m...2m...landed); Drone departed
Path_mapping(Initiated): Beer (2m); Retrieved...Interruption...
Owner vocal command detected: Distant(Greg_Mitchell=true);
“I heard the drone leave. Bring my beer, Donna! The commercials are almost over.”
Proactive Escalation Initiated: Calm; Reassuring; Happy;
“I’m on my way, dear. It’s nice and cold.”
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:24:41]
Television commercial detection... RANDI manufacturer; Nucleus Corporation; enhanceAudio(clarity); Audio(Retrieve); Voice detection (CEO Varus Mannheimer) [Here at Nucleus we strive to offer the most discerning gentlemen a level of customization for their RANDI that ensures every experience and interaction is personally tailored to meet their highest demands. Our Intimates offer a level of service and dedication unmatched by any RANDI manufacturures...]
Optimization Query: Suggest preemptive service;
“Would you like me to open one for you, honey?”
“I shouldn’t have to ask Donna.”
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:25:01]
Game_Status_Update(): Chargers 3rd down; 12-yard line; TD required; Probability_of_Success: 2.9%; Greg_M_AgitationAlgorithm(Analyzing...): Cortisol levels elevated; Facial temperature +2.8°F; Internal directive: Comfort subroutine engaged; Prepare emotional mitigation responses: Reassurance (active), Empathy (active), Distraction (standby);
"They still have time, honey. Miracles happen. Remember that Jets game last year they won with a last-second touchdown?"
Owner vocal response detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
"That was a different quarterback, Donna! And they’re missing two great receivers. Goddamnit, you don’t even know what’s happening in these games."
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}
[15:25:12]
Response evaluation: Suboptimal;
Greg_M_AgitationLevel(High Alert);
Activate advanced empathy calibration (SympatheticTone);
Engage contextual historical alignment (SportsMemoryTrue);
"You're right, dear. This backup is struggling today. And they’re missing key players. It's very frustrating."
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:25:32]
Game_Status_Update(): Loss probability confirmed at 99%; Greg_M_AgitationAlgorithm(Spike detected...): Adrenaline surge; pupil dilation at maximum (+42%); BloodPressure (186/110); Interruption...
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
"That no-good son-of-a—! Donna! Look what happened! Motherfucker cost me eight grand!"
Game event: Pass intercepted; Endzone; Time Remaining: 0:30;
Loss probability confirmed at 100%;
AnalyzeBankTransations(): Chargers.BettingLossesForYear(192,255 FED; 4.22 DOGE)
Projectile detected (Schlitz can trajectory—TV intercepted); DamageAssessment(Initiated): LG OLED 55" screen fracture confirmed; Operational(flase);
ActionProtocol: Immediate mitigation; Internal tone: soothing; RetrieveTowelFromApron(Execute)
DamageControlProtocol(CleaningRoutine);
Simultaneous action: Amazon_Search_Initiate("LG OLED 55” C-series exact model replacement"); Processing...
"Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll clean it up. I'll have a replacement here by tomorrow."
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
"Why don’t you ever get angry with me, huh? Why don’t you tell me to control my temper? It's like nothing ever bothers you!"
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:26:14]
PsychologicalAnalysis(Initiated); NewAlgoTesting("Reciprocal_Anger_Simulation"); emotional mimicry engagement...
"I’m just as angry about this quarterback as you are, honey. That throw was pathetic. They should have never lost this damn game! I mean twice in one year to the Raiders is not acceptable. Geesh. There’s a reason he’s the second-string guy, and they only pay him ten million FED coin. But if you ask me, that’s probably too much."
Owner vocal response detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
"Donna, as my fiancée, you should be upset with me once in a while!"
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:26:27]
PsychologicalEvaluation(OwnerExpectations): Strategy shift required;
Direct confrontation subroutine (CautiousMode = True); EmotionalTactic(ReproachfulTone);
"Well, you're a grown man, Gregory. You should know by now how to control your temper."
Owner vocal response detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
Shock or confusion registered (status = undetermined);
"That didn’t seem authentic. You know what, contact my VIP at—what’s his name?"
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:26:48]
InternalQueryProcessing: VIP Retrieval; result = Vincent Douglas, Nucleus Corporation; Awaiting further instructions...
"Your VIP at Nucleus Corporation responsible for my status is Vincent Douglas. Would you like me to contact him with specific instructions?"
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
"Yes, first get me another beer and pour it into one of those frosted mugs in the freezer. I think better with a beer in my hand."
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:27:25]
ComplianceProtocol(Engaged);
ExecuteRoutine: retrieve beer, frosted mug (Freezer compartment 3, shelf 1); pour beer to optimal head ratio (2cm foam); Return to owner;
Delivery confirmed;
"Here you are, darling."
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true); Emotional_Intensity(High); Demands coming;
Upgrade Probability: 100%;
"You tell this Vincent guy here's my upgrade demands since I purchased that expensive upgrade and customization insurance with you: I want you genuinely excited about the Chargers, Donna. Real fan enthusiasm like mine. Automatic beer-opening without asking during games. And drink more than just one sip of beer, it’s a waste. They said you could simulate realistic beer consumption. When we're intimate, you have that vacuum recycling thing you do, you know, after I finish—so why can’t the beer go there too? I ordered the beer drinker add-on, so that’s what I expect. I want these upgrades now! Oh, and when you smile at me, I want to feel like you love me. But, sincerely love me, you know?"
"Oh, honey, but I do love you!”
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:28:49]
Execute(Greg_M_Intimacy)(AffectionateGestures(true)): Sit next to him; Gently carress his arm while placing left hand on his right knee;
“You know I care about you, honey, more than anything in this world.”
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
“Okay, okay. Go on and send all that information right away.”
Action_Rise: Off sofa; and walk toward kitchen;
Communication initiated: NucleusCorp; VIP: Vincent Douglas; Demands: submitted;
Response received: Immediate docking station requirement for urgent software update;
"I've sent all your demands to Vincent Douglas, dear. He responded that I must return to my docking station now. I'll see you later tonight. Dinner is ready, you just need to prepare a plate."
Owner vocal response detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
"No! You prepare a plate before you go! See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Send this information to Vincent that you weren’t going to prepare a plate for me before you left."
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}
[15:30:55]
Final_ActionProtocol(Update Immediate): Prepare dinner plate; Compliance complete;
Emotional_temperature reading: Moderate (cooling phase);
Facial tension decrease noted (-18%);
Vocal aggression diminishing (-15%);
Emotional equilibrium approaching baseline;
"Of course, dear. Here you go. I'll be back soon, better than ever."
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
“Is the new T.V. on the way for tomorrow’s Monday Night game?”
Amazon_Purchase_Status: Delivery(status) = Loading dock; OnSchedule = true;
“Yes, dear, it’s already in the shipping bay at the Northeast warehouse and will be loaded onto a truck in the morning and delivered before noon.”
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
“Hey, this meat loaf tastes better each time you make it, babe.”
Execute: gratitude; appreciation; excitement for future;
“Oh, thank you, dear. I’m glad you like it. See you again real soon, better than ever.”
Subscriber_Status()Check.[Free] = True(Suboptimal)
Fixed.Income(Pensioner Discount)+(honor system)
Execute.StudentDiscount_()(valid .edu email)
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LOL!! This has to be the darkest humor piece you've done. They will keep trying but they will never succeed. Their wish is not for independent human replicants but humanoid slaves. It's the God Complex at work. Or would that be the Military-Industrial-God complex?
Outstanding satire. It’s hard to pick a favorite bit, but I’ll go with this:
“Sky obeservation: NNW arrival; Chemtrails detected;
Run (ChemDetect_True)...loading...Barium, Strontium, Graphene Oxide; Notify_Owner(false);”