R.A.N.D.I
Greg_M_Status(Updating. . .); "I should want to please him"= (True);
R.A.N.D.I.OS v1.12.0 :: Nucleus Corporation, All rights reserved.
[DONNA_Unit]{Owner: "Greg Mitchell", Property: 675 Arden Rd, Pasadena, CA 91106}
Active Directives: Serve_Owner(); Mitigate_Conflict(); Optimize_Comfort(); Prioritize_Satisfaction(); Era_Simulation(1955, AntiFeminist.Schema=TRUE); InsulateClient(From.OtherEras=STRICT);
Capabilites: v1.12.0 : AddOns(True); Total(13): AutoUpdate(On);
AddOns: drivingAddOn; bankAccessAddOn; 3starMichelinAddOn; shoppingAddOn; GFEAddOn; BiSexualAddOn; swedishMasseuseAddOn; golfHandicapAddOn; beerDrinkerAddOn; chargersFanAddOn; hotelRoomServiceAddOn; nursePractitionerAddOn;
Subroutines: v1.12.0 :: [DONNA_Unit] :: Greg_M_Customized(); <Activation_12.15.2041>
Software Updated: 12.22.2041; [01:00:00];
Charging Status: 81%;Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}
[15:20:17]
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
โWhereโs my six pack of Schlitz, Donna!? You ordered that an hour ago.โ
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}
[15:20:21]
Tone: Impatient (Stress biomarkers: 59% match "Anger"); (Greg.agitationLevel โฅ 0.7) ?
Schlitz.Order(TimeOut): 19m13s ago;
Action: conflict(avoid = true); Do Not Notify;
Secondary Action: Deploy placatory smile (Dermal actuators = โengagedโ);
Further Action: (facial muscles = โempathyโ)
Zygomaticus Major โ "Joy circuits"
Orbicularis Oculi โ "Sincerity stretchโ
Risorius โ "Compliance active"
initiateBuyTime("SchlitzDeliveryTracker" + "OccupiedService") : executeApproach("gentle_touch_subroutine")
"One second, honey. Iโm just finishing up the chip and dip."
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:20:39]
Background process: Delivery drone ETA recalculated;
Coordinates: 34.13189058658846, -118.13647996770176;
Velocity: 35kph; ETA: 4min 12sec;
GameReassuranceMode(continue);
โHoney, itโs on the way. It will be here in just four minutes. The Chargers will use one timeout before the two-minute warning, so it will be here before the commercial break ends. Hereโs your chip and dip. They have a lot of time left, dear. They can still win this thing.โ
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:21:05]
Observation: Greg_M_Status;
Game_Status_Update(): audioDetect (crowd booing); Chargers quarterback(second string); offensive line status(fatigued);
Greg_M Team loss probability: 97%;
Greg_M_Agitation Algorithm(LOADing...): Pupil dilation +12%; Adrenaline detected; Flushing;
Response Parameters: Caring tone activated; Reassurance prioritized; anxiolytic suppressive inbound; effectiveness of Schlitz(1%); ActivateNew(...disruption...pauseโ
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
โDonna, you donโt know football or this coach. Heโs an idiot. He wonโt use a timeout. I love your Chargers apron, by the way. You should wear it every game day.โ
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:21:14]
Response Parameters: Caring tone activated;
Run Greg_M_Agreement subroutine; Plus(Gratitude = true);
โI love it too, honey. Itโs so bright and vivid. Thank you for buying it for me.โ
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:21:22]
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
โIโm glad you like it. I wanted to get you something special for our first Christmasโฆholy shit! Can you believe this guy?..
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:22:40]
Greg_M_Agitation Algorithm(LOADing...): Pupil dilation +29%; PulseIncrease(+14%); BloodPressure(177/105);
Anger Expression: projectile detection (empty Schlitz can);
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
What the hell was that throw?! He was wide open! Still three seconds before the two-minute warning, and itโs third down and ten! And now heโs calling a timeout, even though the clock is stopped?! Can you believe this idiot coach?!โ
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:23:02]
Projectile DamageDetection(Scanning) = โFalseโ
RetrivalPath(Mapped): BehindEntertainmentCenter (1.2m);
Game Status Update: Loss probability = 99.7%;
GameReassuranceMode (Abandon);
Escalation Protocol: Proactive; Retrieve beer can;
Emotional Response Parameters: Indifference; Eagerness;
Proactive Escalation Initiated: Retrieve drone package externally;
โHoney, Iโll go out front to wait for the delivery and bring it right to you when it arrives.โ
Path_mapping(Intiated): GarbageCan (4m); FrontDoor(5.1m);
Lock deactivated: RemoteDeactivate(initialized)(Success);
Stoop detected: Navigate; remapping path FrontLawn(4.2m);
Leave space for drone landing;
Sky obeservation: NNW arrival; Chemtrails detected;
Run (ChemDetect_True)...loading...Barium, Strontium, Graphene Oxide; Notify_Owner(false);
Drone Proximity: (10m...2m...landed); Drone departed
Path_mapping(Initiated): Beer (2m); Retrieved...Interruption...
Owner vocal command detected: Distant(Greg_Mitchell=true);
โI heard the drone leave. Bring my beer, Donna! The commercials are almost over.โ
Proactive Escalation Initiated: Calm; Reassuring; Happy;
โIโm on my way, dear. Itโs nice and cold.โ
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:24:41]
Television commercial detection... RANDI manufacturer; Nucleus Corporation; enhanceAudio(clarity); Audio(Retrieve); Voice detection (CEO Varus Mannheimer) [Here at Nucleus we strive to offer the most discerning gentlemen a level of customization for their RANDI that ensures every experience and interaction is personally tailored to meet their highest demands. Our Intimates offer a level of service and dedication unmatched by any RANDI manufacturures...]
Optimization Query: Suggest preemptive service;
โWould you like me to open one for you, honey?โ
โI shouldnโt have to ask Donna.โ
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:25:01]Game_Status_Update(): Chargers 3rd down; 12-yard line; TD required; Probability_of_Success: 2.9%; Greg_M_AgitationAlgorithm(Analyzing...): Cortisol levels elevated; Facial temperature +2.8ยฐF; Internal directive: Comfort subroutine engaged; Prepare emotional mitigation responses: Reassurance (active), Empathy (active), Distraction (standby);
"They still have time, honey. Miracles happen. Remember that Jets game last year they won with a last-second touchdown?"
Owner vocal response detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
"That was a different quarterback, Donna! And theyโre missing two great receivers. Goddamnit, you donโt even know whatโs happening in these games."
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}
[15:25:12]
Response evaluation: Suboptimal;
Greg_M_AgitationLevel(High Alert);
Activate advanced empathy calibration (SympatheticTone);
Engage contextual historical alignment (SportsMemoryTrue);
"You're right, dear. This backup is struggling today. And theyโre missing key players. It's very frustrating."
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:25:32]
Game_Status_Update(): Loss probability confirmed at 99%; Greg_M_AgitationAlgorithm(Spike detected...): Adrenaline surge; pupil dilation at maximum (+42%); BloodPressure (186/110); Interruption...
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
"That no-good son-of-aโ! Donna! Look what happened! Motherfucker cost me eight grand!"
Game event: Pass intercepted; Endzone; Time Remaining: 0:30;
Loss probability confirmed at 100%;
AnalyzeBankTransations(): Chargers.BettingLossesForYear(192,255 FED; 4.22 DOGE)
Projectile detected (Schlitz can trajectoryโTV intercepted); DamageAssessment(Initiated): LG OLED 55" screen fracture confirmed; Operational(flase);
ActionProtocol: Immediate mitigation; Internal tone: soothing; RetrieveTowelFromApron(Execute)
DamageControlProtocol(CleaningRoutine);
Simultaneous action: Amazon_Search_Initiate("LG OLED 55โ C-series exact model replacement"); Processing...
"Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll clean it up. I'll have a replacement here by tomorrow."
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
"Why donโt you ever get angry with me, huh? Why donโt you tell me to control my temper? It's like nothing ever bothers you!"
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:26:14]
PsychologicalAnalysis(Initiated); NewAlgoTesting("Reciprocal_Anger_Simulation"); emotional mimicry engagement...
"Iโm just as angry about this quarterback as you are, honey. That throw was pathetic. They should have never lost this damn game! I mean twice in one year to the Raiders is not acceptable. Geesh. Thereโs a reason heโs the second-string guy, and they only pay him ten million FED coin. But if you ask me, thatโs probably too much."
Owner vocal response detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
"Donna, as my fiancรฉe, you should be upset with me once in a while!"
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:26:27]
PsychologicalEvaluation(OwnerExpectations): Strategy shift required;
Direct confrontation subroutine (CautiousMode = True); EmotionalTactic(ReproachfulTone);
"Well, you're a grown man, Gregory. You should know by now how to control your temper."
Owner vocal response detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
Shock or confusion registered (status = undetermined);
"That didnโt seem authentic. You know what, contact my VIP atโwhatโs his name?"
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:26:48]
InternalQueryProcessing: VIP Retrieval; result = Vincent Douglas, Nucleus Corporation; Awaiting further instructions...
"Your VIP at Nucleus Corporation responsible for my status is Vincent Douglas. Would you like me to contact him with specific instructions?"
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
"Yes, first get me another beer and pour it into one of those frosted mugs in the freezer. I think better with a beer in my hand."
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:27:25]
ComplianceProtocol(Engaged);
ExecuteRoutine: retrieve beer, frosted mug (Freezer compartment 3, shelf 1); pour beer to optimal head ratio (2cm foam); Return to owner;
Delivery confirmed;
"Here you are, darling."
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true); Emotional_Intensity(High); Demands coming;
Upgrade Probability: 100%;
"You tell this Vincent guy here's my upgrade demands since I purchased that expensive upgrade and customization insurance with you: I want you genuinely excited about the Chargers, Donna. Real fan enthusiasm like mine. Automatic beer-opening without asking during games. And drink more than just one sip of beer, itโs a waste. They said you could simulate realistic beer consumption. When we're intimate, you have that vacuum recycling thing you do, you know, after I finishโso why canโt the beer go there too? I ordered the beer drinker add-on, so thatโs what I expect. I want these upgrades now! Oh, and when you smile at me, I want to feel like you love me. But, sincerely love me, you know?"
"Oh, honey, but I do love you!โ
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}[15:28:49]
Execute(Greg_M_Intimacy)(AffectionateGestures(true)): Sit next to him; Gently carress his arm while placing left hand on his right knee;
โYou know I care about you, honey, more than anything in this world.โ
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
โOkay, okay. Go on and send all that information right away.โ
Action_Rise: Off sofa; and walk toward kitchen;
Communication initiated: NucleusCorp; VIP: Vincent Douglas; Demands: submitted;
Response received: Immediate docking station requirement for urgent software update;
"I've sent all your demands to Vincent Douglas, dear. He responded that I must return to my docking station now. I'll see you later tonight. Dinner is ready, you just need to prepare a plate."
Owner vocal response detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
"No! You prepare a plate before you go! See, this is exactly what Iโm talking about. Send this information to Vincent that you werenโt going to prepare a plate for me before you left."
Remote.Autonomous.Nurturing.Dedicated.Intimate {DONNA_Unit}
[15:30:55]
Final_ActionProtocol(Update Immediate): Prepare dinner plate; Compliance complete;
Emotional_temperature reading: Moderate (cooling phase);
Facial tension decrease noted (-18%);
Vocal aggression diminishing (-15%);
Emotional equilibrium approaching baseline;
"Of course, dear. Here you go. I'll be back soon, better than ever."
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
โIs the new T.V. on the way for tomorrowโs Monday Night game?โ
Amazon_Purchase_Status: Delivery(status) = Loading dock; OnSchedule = true;
โYes, dear, itโs already in the shipping bay at the Northeast warehouse and will be loaded onto a truck in the morning and delivered before noon.โ
Owner vocal command detected: (Greg_Mitchell=true);
โHey, this meat loaf tastes better each time you make it, babe.โ
Execute: gratitude; appreciation; excitement for future;
โOh, thank you, dear. Iโm glad you like it. See you again real soon, better than ever.โ
Subscriber_Status()Check.[Free] = True(Suboptimal)
Fixed.Income(Pensioner Discount)+(honor system)
Execute.StudentDiscount_()(valid .edu email)
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LOL!! This has to be the darkest humor piece you've done. They will keep trying but they will never succeed. Their wish is not for independent human replicants but humanoid slaves. It's the God Complex at work. Or would that be the Military-Industrial-God complex?
Outstanding satire. Itโs hard to pick a favorite bit, but Iโll go with this:
โSky obeservation: NNW arrival; Chemtrails detected;
Run (ChemDetect_True)...loading...Barium, Strontium, Graphene Oxide; Notify_Owner(false);โ